Who I am hates who I've been

Alrighty....some of you might think of me differently from what I'm about to say...some of you might even Hate me....but I dunno I just got to say it. I'm still in Japan and usually if I'm going to make a blog, I think I would talk about my days in Japan. But I can't right now since I've been having these really strange dreams. In these dreams, I'm in a completely different world but it is with the same people and more. Everyone looks like one of my friends but they all have different personalities. Let me give you an example, Gia is a smartass cocky little bastard who I've come to hate in my dreams. I even headbutted him which in real life I headbutted the wall. It's strange because these dreams are continuous. When I go to sleep, my dream character wakes up and spend his life. Then when he goes to sleep, I wake up. It's just like that everyday. The strange thing is that I like my dream character more than the real me. I love his life...I envy it. Everything is different in the dream. My guy has guts and courage to express whatever he feels. If he loves someone, he doesn't hold back, he just says it. He doesn't wait for the perfect time, he knows that if he does, he might regret it. He is able to do so much more than what I can do. The strange thing is that I'm controlling him, I'm doing all the stuff that he's doing. So now I wonder why can't I be doing that in real life? The answer is that I haven't been myself at all...like completely...what you see of me now is probably 10000% different from who I am. I became selfish and cocky. I become to think that nice guys never finish first and that all they do is just clean up for the mess of the other guys. I becomes something I hate. I think too much about myself. I say that I care about others but I don't really know if I do still. I feel like I'm just using them as a step in life. I am not that kind of person and yet I've become one. What would my new york friends think if they see me like this. I've probably changed during junior year. Most likely when I got my glasses taken away and replaced with contacts. I don't know but contacts made me alittle cocky. I guess I look better without glasses but I don't know, I felt like I could do anything. I've used people to get what I want. I started to lie about things. People don't even believe me now since I lie to them almost 24/7. What have I become.....what have I been doing...gaaah I really hate who I've been right now. I know the real me. You guys probably don't know or forgot. GAAAAH seriously my dream character is more of a real me than who I am. He's caring, he knows when not to say stuff. I don't know I guess I'm better when I'm dreaming.

People are alot different in the dream too. I mean everyone is just well I don't know different. The town I live in my dream is like some farmy area with alot of open ranges and stuff. I don't know where I'm going with it but yea all these people are the people I wish them to be. I know, I know, it's stupid for me to change people for my own benefit but come on...it's a dream after all. There's no rules in dreams. hmm for like example Jessica is a girl that everyone knows that I once liked. OH before I go further...my dream guy is like just starting Highschool...it's like a startover or a Hallelujah chance for me to do everything I regret doing. Well anyways continuing with the story...oh and if you read further like say the next paragraph...you might kill me haha....yea Jessica is pretty different yet the same...the one thing I like about her in my dream is that she's honest with her self. She's more confident and she doesn't say stuff that like "I can't do it" or "I'm too fugly" She's just herself...I don't know how to explain it but like I dunno she keeps to her promises. She's like the girl who I like but better because of all the flaws are gone haha I dunno but yea people in my dream are better sometimes....whatevers enough talking about my dreams

Hmmm well how have I changed? I dunno...I realize that I can't get anyone close with me. If I got anyone close to me, I'll push them away by not talking to them or something. I don't know why. I don't want to open up? I don't want them to know my past? I don't know...it's obvious to me that I've been doing it. I have never had a chance to get close with anyone for a while ever since I was in New York since I move alot. Well okay let's start from the beginning of me being in California....okay I've like Cassandra...you guys know...I know it...man the whole world can know it for what I care. I don't know why but I pushed her away because I got too close...it's sad yet I don't know....I hate it...I hate how I do these things. Then theres Tina Zeng...I was close to her whether you know it or not...well not that close but I don't know I talk to her alot...it was cool but once again I just stopped talking to her since I was scare? Man then there's Kelly Te....like Tina, we use to talk alot but once again I stopped talking to her. Then it was Aimee...same thing as Kelly and Tina but I actually liked her whether you knew it or not. We talked alot..but I also pushed her. I use to blame alot on others for me doing this...I hated rumors, I never liked any of the rumors....when people talk about others in the worst way possible I just stay quiet and in my head I'm saying "You guys are such bitches" Yea that's what I'm thinking when I hear someone talking crap about others seriously. I mean if you don't like that person freaken stop thinking about them for dam sakes....gosh freaken you don't have to talk about that person everyday. Well yea rumors started to go out for all these people...maybe that's why or maybe that's why I just use that as an excuse. I learn that I can't blame others for my own reason...I just have to take my own mistakes and live with it. Well okay after Aimee...there was ofcourse Jessica....well I liked Jessica as you all know...but I wasn't really that close...well we were close but it's like we never really talked about our selfs. I never really had to open myself to her...we were just talking about random things. Maybe thats how I lasted so long with her. Well after Jessica, I realize that I can't get close to others. Yea theres Annie also but I don't know what I was thinking....maybe I thought..."hey maybe if I'm dating and people know it, there won't be rumors and I don't have to push her away" what was i thinking....I never opened up to her and I know that she wanted to know me...I can't because there are things in my past that I can't seem to tell people. People will hate me or see me differently if you know it. I guess I'll open up to just the right person....hah I dunno...I just have to say it..I've been thinking alot, I regret alot but not anymore since I'm typing this saying everything that's on my mind....I don't want to regret anymore....I realize that there's nothing I can do except to look forward so that's what I'll be doing....I won't forget the past but I won't think too much about it...

Well yea I'm thinking I'll be changing not drastically but step by step into a better person....you'll realize it when you see it...I don't know but I have to...I really hate who I am right now...now it's just gonna be a hard path...haha yea well okay whatevers that's just what's on my mind....well I have more stuff but I don't think I can say it well atleast now...it would seriously make you hate me...I thought I was gonna say it but I guess not...it's too much...hah well yea that's it til next time!

Off to a new world

So Yea I'll be off to Japan in like 9 hours or so...or will be at the airport....so here's the uncompleted list =P

Takoyaki

Hot pool?

Yui Poster

Yui stuff

Death Note stuff

Pachinko

Get Tayaki

Akihabara

Shibuya

Yui’s hometown Fukuoka

Dad’s birthday gift (8/14)

Weird Japanese Stuff

Rent Japanese Cellphone

Mount Fuji?

Ginza, Tokyo

Studio Ghibli

Sony Building

Fortune told at shrine

Dub Anime thing

Train food thing - ekiben

Souvenir for some people LOL

Davis Souvenir

Kinpara?

Things to bring

Ticket!!

Zen / Usb Charger

Phone / Charger

Camera / Charger

Labtop Mini mouse!!

Webcam

Wire for internet

Shaver

Wallet

Passport

Psp?

yearbook

DS

Burn ds games

Clothes

Toothbrush

Brush / Paste

Gatsby

Contact lens

Contact case / Liquid

Some dvds so I can burn pictures and videos into it saving space in labtop

Worms and fallout…and some other games?

Drama Dvds LOL

Some snacks (skittles)

Japanese book

Taboo?

Cards

Sandals

Things to go buy to prepare

Clothes

Okaaaay so like I said in other posts...I feel like I can say anything here because it's like a personal diary that no one could read....I had one before...like in 8th grade where I wanted to say things that I couldn't in my xanga...I think it was Tina Zeng who suggested me to do it hahah it felt great...and now I have one but it's open to public...I don't mind it but PLEASE don't like go "Oh so I read your blog yesterday and I was think blah blah" lol Cuz I don't want to feel restricted about what I say...if I have to think "hmm what would they think if I write this" it doesn't make it seem that interesting now does it? Well by doing this I guess you can see the side of me which I don't show =P You can sorta see what and how I think. So yea just a suggestion because I already have comments on my previous posts.

"Goodbye" is a merry go round.

*sigh* Andy left 3 weeks after he says he's going....I'm a little sad...I don't know but that is another friend that is separating from us...he'll be living in Japan around november or something and Akane will also be living in Japan by the end of summer...I HOPE that what he says of going to Japan with us is true...I hope he's not just bringing my hopes up because I would be really happy to see him in Japan for another one month. How amazing would that be? I plan to go back to Japan anyways either in Winter break or Spring break...I'm taking Japanese in college and with two courses complete, I should be good in Japan so I'll study abroad when I can...which will be either in 2nd or 3rd year of college. Whatevers work out I guess. I need to keep in contact with Andy and Akane though because I would love to see them. It makes it seem like I miss them a lot more then the others but it's different with them. Everyone will be here atleast in this country but those two will be in Japan. I also find Japan to be amazing, that is why I'll be studying abroad. Then maybe...maybe...I'll live there after I graduate. I need to learn Japanese though. Anyways what I'm saying is that I'm going to miss these two when they go to Japan. Hopefully I'll be able to hang with these two in Japan when I go...either this summer which is like in five days or winter or spring break.

For the winter and spring, I want to bring my friends along. I want everyone to go and meet them so that like we can reunite the group again. I need to keep in contact with everyone. These people that I truly need to keep in contact with are Jeff Chen, Chris Pererra, Nick Kalra, Brian Vu, Gia Phan, Akane Higa, Andy Tan, Andy Leung, Davis Peng. There's more but these are those that are in my group...well not the Ramona group but like the group that I do everything with. The group that I feel most comfortable. Some people I listed might be better in other groups but I still feel comfortable around them. Like I could be more open and be myself. It's sad to know that theres only 1 girl in my list. Okay so why did I not list the Ramona group? Well they are different. They have their own sets of ideas and goals and everything. Hmm...to explain this, let's just say that I had four groups in the beginning.
There WAS my main group which included William Yu and Davis. I say was because William went his own ways so I don't mind as long as he's happy with what he has. So that group is now Davis. Now theres this other group which I call the Track group which became my main group which was Chris, Jeff, Nick, and then later on we added Brian. Nick is always busy but I like it when he comes hang with us...which is not very often anymore. I always smile whenever he's free and asks us what we doing and then tell us that he's coming only to see that he never comes. It's disappointing since I want to stay close and in touch with him. Then there's the what I call Andy's group which is Andy, Andy, Akane, and Gia...then Meng. We hang out alot and stuff and it's always a blast to be around them.
Then finally theres the Ramona group which includes, well the Ramonians, Regina, Lisa, Cassandra, Lucy, Joanne, Kevin, David Li, David Ly, Kelly Te?, and I guess whoever's a Ramona person. Nick is also in this group too so it's cool. The good thing is that my regular main group which is now me and Davis...we can hang with any group and be fine. My track group and andy's group gets along like very well and becomes like a huuge group.Then theres the Ramona group which only gets along with me and Davis. Yes they DO get along with the other groups but well from what I'm told, no one can speak what they want. I can see this in my 4th of July thing. Andy's group came and also the Ramona's group...they barely spoke with each other and did separate things. I don't mind it...I know how it feels since I can't really speak my mind in the Ramona's group too. It's like I feel they expect something...I don't know but it's different how I act in different groups. Davis also said that too and people thought he was the same everywhere. Ah wells what I'm saying is that it's hard to be with all these groups...fortunately 3 groups get along very well with each other while the other one is just okay. Well when I'm in college...the more chance of seeing the Ramona group is higher since like 3 of them is already going to the same college. So yea that's why I'm not worried bout missing them, I'm more worried about my other groups separating. Well that is all I have to say about groups. I spoke my mind on what I see. Hopefully everyone can get along together.

Well Japan is in five days. I've never been this excited before, it'll be a blast I know that. One month of just having fun, come on....this is just a start of a great summer. Hopefully Andy is going and Akane is staying longer like she says so that Kenney and I won't be lost in translation for like 10 days. Though it will be fun but not as much as if we knew what we are doing. Anyways, I'll update with my list next time I think unless something comes up and I have to speak my mind out.

So yea my title is "Goodbye" is a merry go round. Guess where's that from? If you can then I'll give you a high five =D. It's from Yui! I love this song but so sad that it never became popular. I love this saying because for me Goodbye is a merry go round. Especially with Andy since he's been here for like four weeks with him saying he'll leave the next day like so many times. But not just that there's so many goodbyes that I have to say so many times. The lyrics after this is "My love for you spun in a circle". So yea theres some love that I had that I had to say goodbye to many times since I was never able to forget it.

Speaking of Andy staying here for like 3 more weeks...it's interesting how he did that. Man it's seem like sooo long that he said that he's only staying for 1 week. We convinced him to stay more and more and eventually it ended up being today. He only had about 4 shirts and like 3 pants....somehow he mixed it up to make it look different. Fortunately there was also laundry. I'm glad that he stayed for so long since we did so much with him around. It's always just going out somewhere to eat or somewhere to do something with him. I already explained this in the last post so I won't go further.

Hmm I still haven't explain dramas yet but I'm tired since they slept over yesterday and we barely got any sleep.

Summer Times

Well I can't say much since this is just my beginning of the third week of summer. I think I've told someone but I say this summer is going by so fast. It's amazing how time feels like an instant in certain times and then it feels like it is going to last forever in another time. Why is it that this eternity speed never happens to be at good times? Why are all the good times pass by us in an instant? Well this summer I will try to make each and everyday the best time I can have. These past weeks I've been out everyday doing things that are sometimes the same, and sometimes different. Let's talk about each in paragraphs, don't worry there won't be much.

First is karaoke. Man, I don't know how many times I've went to karaoke these past weeks. Around 4 or something but these 4 times, we karaoke for like 6 hours. 6 hours may not seem much but it is really tiring. Especially when it's from 8-2 A.M. Even though I complain about this, I'm glad for this great length of time. I don't sing much but I'm glad that I am able to be around my friends. Especially with those that are now gone and already started their future.

Next is just around karaoke. Yup that's right little Tokyo! Yea we go there a lot too. Some times just for fun, sometimes it's to send Akane to work but everytime is great. What's there at little tokyo? Well my friends let's go through some pictures.

These are O'ZACK....name after yours truly of course. Every time you bite into one chip, it makes you want to say "Oh Zack". Just kidding, it's not that good. Well even though it isn't that great, it makes you want to eat more. Yea that's like an oxymoron but I don't know. I guess that describes me? I'm not that great but you guys would like to be around me. =]

This was at Orochon (I think I spelled it right.) The first picture is Davis before he had the Special Number 2. It's the spiciest ramen that I've ever tasted. Okay there's 7 levels I think. 7 is the non-spicy ramen and it gets spicier as you go down the numbers. Then after number 1, there's special number 1. After that, there's special number 2. If you finished this in 30 minutes, then you get your picture taken and put up in the wall of fame or something. Davis tried to do it and failed and looks miserable as you can tell in the second picture.

And of course there's also some shopping stores. Gia here is wearing the top of the line fashion of tokyo's latest trend. The extravagant hat, and the lush small tight white zip sweater with a light blue T-shirt underneath, all of these will not match if you're not the right person. Gia here is a perfect match.

Okay anyways, so little tokyo was one of the things I did. Then there's raging water and sadly I have no pictures for it. It was really fun and there wasn't as much people so it was great that the lines were short. We basically went on all the rides that we wanted and no one got a sun burn.

Oh before Raging Waters I went to UCSD orientation. It was pretty awesome with a great orientation leader and everything. I got to meet new people as well as hang with Kelly, Peter, and William. We went to the cliffs...I mean the Library...and saw great views of it. Then there was swing dancing at night time and also a party on my suite floor. Yea our place is called suite and not dorms because you don't just eat, sleep, and shower there. I don't know it's still a dorm. So we also took ID pictures and well you can see how my ID picture is from my previous post.
We also went to Anime Expo a couple of days ago. We waited in line for about 3 hours and then when we are around the front we realize that we didn't have to wait in line. There was a separate line for those who bought the tickets online. We were pretty mad but we got over it. Then there was the S.K.I.N. line. Skin is like Gackt with all these other famous people. It was a concert and it was free as long as you line up. It's surprising because Gackt concerts cost a lot and we're getting for a price of the Anime Expo ticket. Anyways we waited in line for two hours and then we waited inside the stadium for another 2 hours until it started. It was delay due to some problems. It was suppose to start at 3 but it started at 6. All in all it was fun to see it and listen to the new songs.

There was also Akane's sleepover. Why is Lisa so surprise by this I don't know. But yea we had a sleepover. It was me, Akane, Andy, Andy, Jeff, Meng, and Davis. There's so many good memories from this sleepover. From Meng and Akane playing crazy in music games to us playing clue, monopoly, and pirate game to Meng sleeping half naked to us laughing and talking until 6 A.M. Sadly Andy L. has all the pictures. I have all the videos.
We also had a B.B.Q. at my house twice. Once was because we thought Jeff was leaving the day after so we did a fair well party thing. It was great but we had too much meat so we saved it for next time. Yea don't be mad if you weren't invited, it was just yea whatevers I don't really care. I don't really need to give a reason. Think first before you guys say anything ya? Okay anyways back to the topic, Gia is freaken hilarious to the max. I uploaded some videos but that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's amazing how funny he is. I do not make fun of him all the time but he sometimes ask for it. I'm glad that he could see that we're just kidding and doesn't take it too seriously like some people. BBQ was great and I hope there will be more.

Well that's all I can think of right now. I'll be sure to take pictures in Japan. I'll also take more pictures the days before Japan and also after. If anything interesting happens, I'll be sure to post it here. It's past 1 A.M. I've been sleeping late and waking up early these past few days. It's bad for me so I should go off now. I still have one more thing to talk about but I guess it'll be next time. It's about the drama's I've been watching. Yea it's not that important but I guess it's something to talk about.

The Future

Why is fate always so despairing? When humans want to be happy, why do they make others miserable? These two questions has been asked in my head many times. I don't know why but yea I do. I feel regret about many things. My high school year has ended and many memories have been made. Many friends will be long lasting yet many won't be. I will always cherish all of my friends no matter who they are. Everyone is important to me, I will not forget what you guys have done. During these very first weeks of summer, three of my friends are already spreading out towards their future. We went out, did some fun and sometimes crazy stuff, and just did random things that hopefully will be in each other memories. There will be more people spreading apart and they always say "I'll see you again" or something but I fear this may not be true. I see friendship as very delicate, something that people shouldn't just break so easily. Sometimes I seek the needs for my friends before myself because I would like to have a strong friendship, something that could last. Well I guess we'll see in the coming years. I hope there is still a meeting point where everyone will meet. I hope there will be many and not just one.

High school was fun, yet I've brought too many regrets with me. Some I can easily let go but yet some I can't. These few regrets has been with me for a while. I have tried to forget them but it is impossible to forget. There are so many "What if" questions that it angers me to think of them. Starting as a freshman, I did not know the changes that would occur in high school. I wasn't prepared and so I was a step behind people. Fortunately, I've regained the step but it was already too late to do what I was suppose to do. So now I have regrets. I've jumped to conclusions too soon, I never really just did it. Well regrets or not, I will try to use these as much of a positive method as I can. I can finally start fresh at San Diego. I won't really be changing myself to the extent but you'll see a different me. Perhaps it'll be the same me but I don't know. I will start this freshman year prepared for what's to come. I will try my best to make everyday the best it could be. I will try to not wait for tomorrow and just do it today. I can't just keep thinking there will be a chance tomorrow, I must take every chance I can and see where it goes. Well it'll be the same me but with more confidence. So I guess it's different from the usual me. Hopefully with all of this, there will be no regrets. Nothing to remember holding back on.

Well as I was saying earlier about the questions, the second question is the hardest and easiest to answer. I try to make people happy. I want to make people happy. I like having smiles. I love hearing laughter. Yet who am I doing this for? Am I doing this for others or for me? I tend to be happy when others are happy. Well most of the time. I love the world to be just all smile but sometimes it's good to have some sadness. I realize this but I don't want to create the sadness in the world. I'll let someone else do that job. Yet it seems that whenever I try to look for my self-happiness, I tend to see that it'll hurt others or make them miserable. Not all the time but most. Theres always a balance between happiness and sadness. There will always be people on both side. As for me, I'm stuck in the middle trying to build a bridge between the two. I hope one day I can bridge it. I hope that one day I can see myself truly happy for what I've done and people can be happy with what I've done for them.

Alright to lighten things up I guess I'll talk about Japan and stuff. Actually I'll talk about it when I come back but the day before I leave, I'll post a list of what I plan to do when I get there. You guys can suggest me some stuff too. Well the day I'm leaving is July 13th and I'm coming back on August 15th. A little over one month but I hope I'll have a great time there. This will be my sightseeing tour to see how Japan really is because I shall be studying abroad maybe in sophomore or junior year for one whole year. I've been currently learning Japanese but I know this won't be enough. I know that the university one is even harder with a 5 day schedule making it more like high school but a little harder. No matter what though, I'll try my best to learn Japanese.

Anyways so this is my new blog site. Xanga was for high school. This will be my main university blog page. I don't know why but as you can see I haven't been adding any "lol" or "haha" yet. It's strange, maybe it's because it's 2 A.M. but I don't know why. I'm even adding punctuations too. Why is that? Well let's see if I can type like this. Well that's about it. I'll add pictures later on to make it seem more interesting then just reading it. Anyways, this page title is "Expect the unexpected". These words have been with me for a while, around five years? I don't know why but these words mean a lot to me. That is why the title of the page is this. My web link is Cho Kimochi which in Japanese means Feels Really Great. I don't know why but I guess it's just a good relief to say Cho Kimochi. Isn't it? Well that's it. Bye Bye