Who I am hates who I've been

Alrighty....some of you might think of me differently from what I'm about to say...some of you might even Hate me....but I dunno I just got to say it. I'm still in Japan and usually if I'm going to make a blog, I think I would talk about my days in Japan. But I can't right now since I've been having these really strange dreams. In these dreams, I'm in a completely different world but it is with the same people and more. Everyone looks like one of my friends but they all have different personalities. Let me give you an example, Gia is a smartass cocky little bastard who I've come to hate in my dreams. I even headbutted him which in real life I headbutted the wall. It's strange because these dreams are continuous. When I go to sleep, my dream character wakes up and spend his life. Then when he goes to sleep, I wake up. It's just like that everyday. The strange thing is that I like my dream character more than the real me. I love his life...I envy it. Everything is different in the dream. My guy has guts and courage to express whatever he feels. If he loves someone, he doesn't hold back, he just says it. He doesn't wait for the perfect time, he knows that if he does, he might regret it. He is able to do so much more than what I can do. The strange thing is that I'm controlling him, I'm doing all the stuff that he's doing. So now I wonder why can't I be doing that in real life? The answer is that I haven't been myself at all...like completely...what you see of me now is probably 10000% different from who I am. I became selfish and cocky. I become to think that nice guys never finish first and that all they do is just clean up for the mess of the other guys. I becomes something I hate. I think too much about myself. I say that I care about others but I don't really know if I do still. I feel like I'm just using them as a step in life. I am not that kind of person and yet I've become one. What would my new york friends think if they see me like this. I've probably changed during junior year. Most likely when I got my glasses taken away and replaced with contacts. I don't know but contacts made me alittle cocky. I guess I look better without glasses but I don't know, I felt like I could do anything. I've used people to get what I want. I started to lie about things. People don't even believe me now since I lie to them almost 24/7. What have I become.....what have I been doing...gaaah I really hate who I've been right now. I know the real me. You guys probably don't know or forgot. GAAAAH seriously my dream character is more of a real me than who I am. He's caring, he knows when not to say stuff. I don't know I guess I'm better when I'm dreaming.

People are alot different in the dream too. I mean everyone is just well I don't know different. The town I live in my dream is like some farmy area with alot of open ranges and stuff. I don't know where I'm going with it but yea all these people are the people I wish them to be. I know, I know, it's stupid for me to change people for my own benefit but come on...it's a dream after all. There's no rules in dreams. hmm for like example Jessica is a girl that everyone knows that I once liked. OH before I go further...my dream guy is like just starting Highschool...it's like a startover or a Hallelujah chance for me to do everything I regret doing. Well anyways continuing with the story...oh and if you read further like say the next paragraph...you might kill me haha....yea Jessica is pretty different yet the same...the one thing I like about her in my dream is that she's honest with her self. She's more confident and she doesn't say stuff that like "I can't do it" or "I'm too fugly" She's just herself...I don't know how to explain it but like I dunno she keeps to her promises. She's like the girl who I like but better because of all the flaws are gone haha I dunno but yea people in my dream are better sometimes....whatevers enough talking about my dreams

Hmmm well how have I changed? I dunno...I realize that I can't get anyone close with me. If I got anyone close to me, I'll push them away by not talking to them or something. I don't know why. I don't want to open up? I don't want them to know my past? I don't know...it's obvious to me that I've been doing it. I have never had a chance to get close with anyone for a while ever since I was in New York since I move alot. Well okay let's start from the beginning of me being in California....okay I've like Cassandra...you guys know...I know it...man the whole world can know it for what I care. I don't know why but I pushed her away because I got too close...it's sad yet I don't know....I hate it...I hate how I do these things. Then theres Tina Zeng...I was close to her whether you know it or not...well not that close but I don't know I talk to her alot...it was cool but once again I just stopped talking to her since I was scare? Man then there's Kelly Te....like Tina, we use to talk alot but once again I stopped talking to her. Then it was Aimee...same thing as Kelly and Tina but I actually liked her whether you knew it or not. We talked alot..but I also pushed her. I use to blame alot on others for me doing this...I hated rumors, I never liked any of the rumors....when people talk about others in the worst way possible I just stay quiet and in my head I'm saying "You guys are such bitches" Yea that's what I'm thinking when I hear someone talking crap about others seriously. I mean if you don't like that person freaken stop thinking about them for dam sakes....gosh freaken you don't have to talk about that person everyday. Well yea rumors started to go out for all these people...maybe that's why or maybe that's why I just use that as an excuse. I learn that I can't blame others for my own reason...I just have to take my own mistakes and live with it. Well okay after Aimee...there was ofcourse Jessica....well I liked Jessica as you all know...but I wasn't really that close...well we were close but it's like we never really talked about our selfs. I never really had to open myself to her...we were just talking about random things. Maybe thats how I lasted so long with her. Well after Jessica, I realize that I can't get close to others. Yea theres Annie also but I don't know what I was thinking....maybe I thought..."hey maybe if I'm dating and people know it, there won't be rumors and I don't have to push her away" what was i thinking....I never opened up to her and I know that she wanted to know me...I can't because there are things in my past that I can't seem to tell people. People will hate me or see me differently if you know it. I guess I'll open up to just the right person....hah I dunno...I just have to say it..I've been thinking alot, I regret alot but not anymore since I'm typing this saying everything that's on my mind....I don't want to regret anymore....I realize that there's nothing I can do except to look forward so that's what I'll be doing....I won't forget the past but I won't think too much about it...

Well yea I'm thinking I'll be changing not drastically but step by step into a better person....you'll realize it when you see it...I don't know but I have to...I really hate who I am right now...now it's just gonna be a hard path...haha yea well okay whatevers that's just what's on my mind....well I have more stuff but I don't think I can say it well atleast now...it would seriously make you hate me...I thought I was gonna say it but I guess not...it's too much...hah well yea that's it til next time!